Songs of Sorrow

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My father died on Saturday night. As I type that I’m telling myself as much as I’m telling you guys. Right now I have no idea if or how I am ever going to deal with the pain, frustration and anger that I am feeling. I always have and still do love my Dad and I wish that he were the kind of person to pick up the phone and call or text or just show up on my damned doorstep and throw his arms around me. I’ll be honest, I have felt completely abandoned and unloved. I feel like I did try but circumstances made it difficult and heartbreaking to try to reach out to him. Those circumstances weren’t my fault but I’m so intermittently angry at myself for not forcing my way into his heart and life and at him for not doing the same. I am so terrified that exactly the same thing is going to happen with my mum. I have so much love in my heart for her but she doesn’t trust me at all. It is so frightening to reach out to someone that has the power to obliterate your heart. I had an urge to text my middle brother earlier and send him my love but the last time I saw him he was shouting at me telling me to leave and saying I wasn’t wanted or welcome in my mother’s home. I was there at the time to support her after her husband, my step-father, died and the rejection was unbearable. How do you reconcile with someone(s) that believe you are evil when you have done nothing but tell the truth? My head tells me I shouldn’t do the crawling because I have done nothing wrong but my heart aches for a family. We always think we have all the time in the world and then time slips away from us. Perhaps the most frustrating part is that there is someone that could remedy the whole mess by telling the truth but he is too cowardly, lazy and selfish to do so. If there is a way then I hope that we find it…


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Posted: March 13th, 2013 under Uncategorized.